It has always been a well-known fact that the presence of estrogen in one's body causes a multitude of negative side effects that have plagued heterosexual males since the time of Adam and Eve. This affliction, however, is caused by a gene that is currently excessively present in 50% of the human population; due to its mysterious nature, this gene is traditionally referred to as the "X-chromosome." Despite current genetic engineering efforts, we have been unable to modify the chromosome to prevent the effects of estrogen, which are clearly harmful and are caused when a person has two X-chromosomes instead of one.
Most men can attest to the fact that those suffering from "estrogenitis" tend to have clear mental disturbances caused by the excess hormone. They will typically have a relatively complex mind and are nearly incapable of expressing their true feelings. Anything that they desire will be expressed in an encrypted form; for example, "I'll be mad at you if you get me a birthday present this year" means "get me an amazing present."
I would like to propose two potential solutions:
1. We devote more money to X-chromosome research (it will still be cheaper than what we spend on our girlfriends/wives). It is highly likely that with the proper studies, a genetically-engineered X-chromosome can be produced that will involve restricted production of estrogen.
2. Women learn to express their true feelings because men, despite their seeming incapacity to perform tasks, are perfectly capable of understanding. I suggest that every woman makes a list of every man that she may be interested in and every man do likewise for women; such a task can be performed secretly over the Internet, and a computer program will then match the proper women and men based on the interest rankings that each one establishes. After this point, the woman ceases to be secretive with the man and tells him exactly what she wants for the rest of her life and the man satisfies the desires that he is capable of satisfying.
The theory can be further developed, but is clearly a start to better interactions between men and women.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
4. Disclaimer
This is my informal disclaimer. I would like to establish that if you like to be politically correct or are easily offended by jokes (even when they are completely non-serious), you will probably not enjoy my informal writing. However, I do write an occasional formal essay that may appeal to you more.
-I am laid back and I like to make jokes. I also like to reflect and, once in a while, I will have a serious conversation. My serious conversations, nevertheless, are rarely free of jokes.
-I am religious enough to avoid alcohol and pork, but I do not like to live my life based on what is written in the Hadith (because I can't validate their reliability... sorry to all the Shias that I just offended, but this is an entirely different discussion). Therefore, if something is not specifically mentioned in the Quran, I will treat it as wisdom rather than as laws.
-I always question my worldviews and am always willing to hear your point of view, whether or not it is consistent with mine. You can NEVER offend me (many people have tried).
-I talk too much.
-I hate being alone... I always prefer the company of others. I have learned that this is atypical for somebody who enjoys writing, but I am more of a thinker than a writer and I like to hear everybody's perspective before I form a solid opinion (which will, however, still be malleable). Therefore, feel free to come over to my apartment.
If you're still reading, then your name is probably Manu ben Johny and you probably know what I'm thinking right now, so I don't need to tell you.
-I am laid back and I like to make jokes. I also like to reflect and, once in a while, I will have a serious conversation. My serious conversations, nevertheless, are rarely free of jokes.
-I am religious enough to avoid alcohol and pork, but I do not like to live my life based on what is written in the Hadith (because I can't validate their reliability... sorry to all the Shias that I just offended, but this is an entirely different discussion). Therefore, if something is not specifically mentioned in the Quran, I will treat it as wisdom rather than as laws.
-I always question my worldviews and am always willing to hear your point of view, whether or not it is consistent with mine. You can NEVER offend me (many people have tried).
-I talk too much.
-I hate being alone... I always prefer the company of others. I have learned that this is atypical for somebody who enjoys writing, but I am more of a thinker than a writer and I like to hear everybody's perspective before I form a solid opinion (which will, however, still be malleable). Therefore, feel free to come over to my apartment.
If you're still reading, then your name is probably Manu ben Johny and you probably know what I'm thinking right now, so I don't need to tell you.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
3. A Mathematical Justification for my Life Theory
Time is money; therefore, time=money
Girls require time and girls require money; therefore, girls = (time)(money)
Since time = money, girls = (money)(money) = (money)^2
Money, of course, is the root of all evil; therefore, girls = (the root of all evil)^2
So, girls = (the square root of evil)^2
Therefore, girls = evil
Girls require time and girls require money; therefore, girls = (time)(money)
Since time = money, girls = (money)(money) = (money)^2
Money, of course, is the root of all evil; therefore, girls = (the root of all evil)^2
So, girls = (the square root of evil)^2
Therefore, girls = evil
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
2. The Taxonomy of the Campus Desis
I have determined that all of the brown people on any campus can be classified into one of many groups. Although exceptions exist, we can typically ignore these because generalizations and stereotypes are much more fun than political correctness.
1. The ABCD/Whitewashed/Oreos
The well-known Oreos... brown on the outside, white on the inside. Although the term ABCD (American-born confused Desi) traditionally has a derogatory connotation, I still attest that there is nothing wrong with accepting American culture as long as you retain your core family values. Typically, it is hard to distinguish the whitewashed Desi from a whitewashed Hispanic or African-American person... they speak only English and will typically know little about their history beyond the fact that their "parents came from India."
These people, despite their title, are actually the least confused of all: they have embraced their American side and they consider themselves as American as any white person who has been in the country for the same number of generations.
Also affiliates with: Ghetto Gujjus, Old Immigrants
2. The Ghetto Gujjus
Although they do not necessarily need to be Gujju, the classical example is Gujarati (a few are Punjabi and the rest are assorted). These people are very similar to the whitewashed group and are often still considered "ABCD." However, they play more basketball, listen to more rap music, and wear baggier clothes... the most successful Ghetto Gujjus are often confused with an African-American.
The Ghetto Gujjus can typically be identified by their accent, which is often an entertaining mixture between an Indian accent and a ghetto accent, and since they usually have roots in Chicago, New York, or another city with a large Desi population, they will typically speak at least one Indian language.
Also affiliates with: ABCDs, Old Immigrants, Western-born Desis
3. The New Immigrants
Many refer to them as "Fresh off the Boat," but even if they have accents and large remnants of Desi culture left in them, these are typically some of the coolest Desis on campus. Most members of this group are seeking a graduate degree in Engineering, although a good portion are also in the fields of Chemistry and Biology. They do their best to assimilate into traditional American society by playing basketball and getting drunk every weekend, but they will always retain their knowledge of their background. They will have groups of friends, but due to the size of this class of people, they are rarely clique-forming.
The New Immigrants can nearly always be identified by their accent and their level of "newness" can usually be assessed by the thickness of their accent. The newest immigrants will also usually still don apparel and hairstyles that came with them from India, and anybody with a concept of the differences in fashion can spot a new immigrant from a substantial distance.
Pakistani immigrants can usually be differentiated from Indian immigrants by their choice of hairstyle and clothing. Pakistanis will nearly always have longer hair that is styled in one of many various fashions and will generally prefer brand-name clothing as per fashions in Pakistan. Most others, meanwhile, will have short hair that, if styled, is probably oiled. Their clothes will usually be tighter-fitting and less distinguishable, since they were probably custom-made by a darzi.
Also affiliates with: Old Immigrants
4. The Old Immigrants
This class of people has been in the US for around 6-12 years, which equates to about half their life; their characteristics are rarely easy to generalize. The group includes stoner Muslims, Gujjus who refuse to accept American culture, Pakistanis who try to distance themselves from everything Desi, and people who, after being shielded from American culture by their parents for nine years, are finally discovering the "wonders" of the American concept of "sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll" (although most prefer hip-hop). The old immigrants can usually also be categorized into one of the other classes.
They can rarely be differentiated from other groups.
Also affiliates with: all other categories
5. The Western-born Desis who refuse to be American
This is the most interesting class of Desis. They have been born and raised in the US, Canada, England, or a similar part of the world. For some reason, however, they choose to block out American culture and will rarely have seen classic Western-made movies (i.e. "Caddyshack," "Star Wars") or know classic Western-made music (i.e. Nirvana, U2). Their favorite movies are "DDLJ," "HDDCS," and "AAA," and they are more up-to-date with Indian music than most of the New Immigrants. Interestingly enough, they have the most Desi friends and the least non-Desi friends and they easily fall into cliques.
They typically wear fashionable clothes and typically have no accent, so when alone, they are difficult to differentiate from the ABCDs. However, they go everywhere in their Desi groups, making their identification slightly easier.
Also affiliates with: Old Immigrants, Ghetto Gujjus
6. The Smart Kids
This group, similarly to the Old Immigrants, is very diverse. Most of the members of the group do not prefer to affiliate solely with Desis, although they may be recent immigrants. To classify, the Smart Kid must have graduated from an American high school, where their friends were as culturally diverse as anybody's (although they prefer to affiliate with other Smart Kids, regardless of ethnic background). A significant portion of the Smart Kids have immigrated, and even if they were born in the US, their exposure to American culture was limited to school and their exposure to Desi culture was limited to an occasional movie; the culture that they were raised with was "study" culture.
They can typically be spotted in the Life Sciences buildings or at the medical school. They will look decently Desi, but will only occasionally affiliate with the Desi clique. Their mannerisms and overall composure signify their intelligent upbringing.
Also affiliates with: Everybody
Let me know if I missed anything... I'd be glad to add your group of people if I missed you...
1. The ABCD/Whitewashed/Oreos
The well-known Oreos... brown on the outside, white on the inside. Although the term ABCD (American-born confused Desi) traditionally has a derogatory connotation, I still attest that there is nothing wrong with accepting American culture as long as you retain your core family values. Typically, it is hard to distinguish the whitewashed Desi from a whitewashed Hispanic or African-American person... they speak only English and will typically know little about their history beyond the fact that their "parents came from India."
These people, despite their title, are actually the least confused of all: they have embraced their American side and they consider themselves as American as any white person who has been in the country for the same number of generations.
Also affiliates with: Ghetto Gujjus, Old Immigrants
2. The Ghetto Gujjus
Although they do not necessarily need to be Gujju, the classical example is Gujarati (a few are Punjabi and the rest are assorted). These people are very similar to the whitewashed group and are often still considered "ABCD." However, they play more basketball, listen to more rap music, and wear baggier clothes... the most successful Ghetto Gujjus are often confused with an African-American.
The Ghetto Gujjus can typically be identified by their accent, which is often an entertaining mixture between an Indian accent and a ghetto accent, and since they usually have roots in Chicago, New York, or another city with a large Desi population, they will typically speak at least one Indian language.
Also affiliates with: ABCDs, Old Immigrants, Western-born Desis
3. The New Immigrants
Many refer to them as "Fresh off the Boat," but even if they have accents and large remnants of Desi culture left in them, these are typically some of the coolest Desis on campus. Most members of this group are seeking a graduate degree in Engineering, although a good portion are also in the fields of Chemistry and Biology. They do their best to assimilate into traditional American society by playing basketball and getting drunk every weekend, but they will always retain their knowledge of their background. They will have groups of friends, but due to the size of this class of people, they are rarely clique-forming.
The New Immigrants can nearly always be identified by their accent and their level of "newness" can usually be assessed by the thickness of their accent. The newest immigrants will also usually still don apparel and hairstyles that came with them from India, and anybody with a concept of the differences in fashion can spot a new immigrant from a substantial distance.
Pakistani immigrants can usually be differentiated from Indian immigrants by their choice of hairstyle and clothing. Pakistanis will nearly always have longer hair that is styled in one of many various fashions and will generally prefer brand-name clothing as per fashions in Pakistan. Most others, meanwhile, will have short hair that, if styled, is probably oiled. Their clothes will usually be tighter-fitting and less distinguishable, since they were probably custom-made by a darzi.
Also affiliates with: Old Immigrants
4. The Old Immigrants
This class of people has been in the US for around 6-12 years, which equates to about half their life; their characteristics are rarely easy to generalize. The group includes stoner Muslims, Gujjus who refuse to accept American culture, Pakistanis who try to distance themselves from everything Desi, and people who, after being shielded from American culture by their parents for nine years, are finally discovering the "wonders" of the American concept of "sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll" (although most prefer hip-hop). The old immigrants can usually also be categorized into one of the other classes.
They can rarely be differentiated from other groups.
Also affiliates with: all other categories
5. The Western-born Desis who refuse to be American
This is the most interesting class of Desis. They have been born and raised in the US, Canada, England, or a similar part of the world. For some reason, however, they choose to block out American culture and will rarely have seen classic Western-made movies (i.e. "Caddyshack," "Star Wars") or know classic Western-made music (i.e. Nirvana, U2). Their favorite movies are "DDLJ," "HDDCS," and "AAA," and they are more up-to-date with Indian music than most of the New Immigrants. Interestingly enough, they have the most Desi friends and the least non-Desi friends and they easily fall into cliques.
They typically wear fashionable clothes and typically have no accent, so when alone, they are difficult to differentiate from the ABCDs. However, they go everywhere in their Desi groups, making their identification slightly easier.
Also affiliates with: Old Immigrants, Ghetto Gujjus
6. The Smart Kids
This group, similarly to the Old Immigrants, is very diverse. Most of the members of the group do not prefer to affiliate solely with Desis, although they may be recent immigrants. To classify, the Smart Kid must have graduated from an American high school, where their friends were as culturally diverse as anybody's (although they prefer to affiliate with other Smart Kids, regardless of ethnic background). A significant portion of the Smart Kids have immigrated, and even if they were born in the US, their exposure to American culture was limited to school and their exposure to Desi culture was limited to an occasional movie; the culture that they were raised with was "study" culture.
They can typically be spotted in the Life Sciences buildings or at the medical school. They will look decently Desi, but will only occasionally affiliate with the Desi clique. Their mannerisms and overall composure signify their intelligent upbringing.
Also affiliates with: Everybody
Let me know if I missed anything... I'd be glad to add your group of people if I missed you...
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Shan's rant #1
I hereby kick off this blog. Thanks to Sharanya for the idea and thanks to Prashanth for the inspiration (I've never actually met or talked to Prashanth, but Sharanya and Bijal speak very highly of him). I tend to have a lot to say... if I ever offend you, please tell me; I like to hear other people's perspectives. Most likely, if I offended you, I was probably right and you were probably wrong, but I'd still like to hear your opinion... haha...
Anyway... I tend to stand by my principles, but my opinions are as malleable as those advocated by anybody with an open mind. Feel free to contradict any claims that I might make.
Anyway... I tend to stand by my principles, but my opinions are as malleable as those advocated by anybody with an open mind. Feel free to contradict any claims that I might make.
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